I'm not an open person
I have theories about why I am secretive. Maybe it was growing up with a mentally ill mother and worrying about social services. Maybe it is forgetting that not everyone can hear my thoughts. In any case I'm not an open person. I don't mean to be secretive. It's not that I don't want to share my life with people. I just forget to do so. Some of my wife's friends met me many times before I actually started being myself around them.
With her support I've been working on it. I've been working on letting her in. But I still struggle. That's part of the benefit of this blog. She can read it and know what happened in my day. If I forget to tell her she can read it here.
But I've realised this blog is a bit rose coloured. I have all these routines and I follow them. I'm pretty happy. I feel overwhelmed, but happy.
The seasons effect my moods. In the Spring and Autumn I have massive quantities of energy and excitement. Around Christmas I have none. In the Summer I have even less and it lasts for longer. It doesn't impede my life as much as it impedes some peoples. I want to live. But life hurts and I spend a lot of time crying and playing video games. I've spent so much less time doing those things this Summer! The routines help because instead of worrying I can think through what I need to do next. I don't need to use video games to escape. I also don't have time to. I have chores to do. And because the house is clean I can't fall into a downward spiral. I start with a fresh slate the next day. I can recover.
It's allowing me to see other problems in my life. My migraines strongly influence how I function, how I socialise, what I do in the evenings. Now that I am more able to manage my depression I can see a component of it. My sensitivity to heat and sunlight is reinforced by my depression. It's a cycle.
This last bit sounds hopeful. It is. Writing makes me hopeful and happy. But I want to be more open and I'm going to practice here. I don't like oversharing but I'm going to try once a week to talk about what is hard in life and what isn't working and what hurts, because that's what helps others and that's what helps me. And I want to.
With her support I've been working on it. I've been working on letting her in. But I still struggle. That's part of the benefit of this blog. She can read it and know what happened in my day. If I forget to tell her she can read it here.
But I've realised this blog is a bit rose coloured. I have all these routines and I follow them. I'm pretty happy. I feel overwhelmed, but happy.
The seasons effect my moods. In the Spring and Autumn I have massive quantities of energy and excitement. Around Christmas I have none. In the Summer I have even less and it lasts for longer. It doesn't impede my life as much as it impedes some peoples. I want to live. But life hurts and I spend a lot of time crying and playing video games. I've spent so much less time doing those things this Summer! The routines help because instead of worrying I can think through what I need to do next. I don't need to use video games to escape. I also don't have time to. I have chores to do. And because the house is clean I can't fall into a downward spiral. I start with a fresh slate the next day. I can recover.
It's allowing me to see other problems in my life. My migraines strongly influence how I function, how I socialise, what I do in the evenings. Now that I am more able to manage my depression I can see a component of it. My sensitivity to heat and sunlight is reinforced by my depression. It's a cycle.
This last bit sounds hopeful. It is. Writing makes me hopeful and happy. But I want to be more open and I'm going to practice here. I don't like oversharing but I'm going to try once a week to talk about what is hard in life and what isn't working and what hurts, because that's what helps others and that's what helps me. And I want to.
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