Habits to cope with anxiety attacks
I study upper level Greek and Latin. I love it. It's a lot of work, but well worth doing. Well worth seeing, as Herodotus would say. I'm not opposed to translations. But the lifeblood is in these originals.
And yet sometimes in class I know nothing. I forget even the most basic words. I freeze.
In those moments my Best Friend gives me a little stuffed animal she carries with her. She is prone to these moments too. She understands. And so I take a breath. I have a spot in my mind that I focus on when I meditate. Specifically when I want to practice something akin to zen meditation, where you have no thoughts at all. I focus on that spot, just for a moment. The panic disappears. I still might not know the word, but I can keep going in the class. Not knowing one thing is ok. I have a habit for dealing with anxiety when it comes up in class. But that doesn't mean the anxiety is gone.
I have put off getting this new id for years. I've been scared something will go wrong. But my learners license is expired. Sometimes that means I can't use it as ID at all. Today was that day. My learners license was over three years expired so they couldn't use it to set me up with a new services card. And I didn't bring extra ID. I didn't bring a birth certificate. I didn't bring a passport. The kind woman at the desk asked me where I was from. She told me she couldn't use my current ID.
I had failed. I had failed again. I had failed as usual.
I used to be afraid all the time.
That I would end up homeless. That I would lose all my treasured books and beloved objects. That I would die sick on the street.
I haven't had that fear since last summer. Last summer I inherited money from my grandmother. I put it into a savings account where it can collect interest. It is there if something goes wrong. Last Spring I got engaged to a wonderful woman. I never thought I would get engaged. We will have the ceremony next summer. But by common law we are wives. (I call her my wife here because I have trouble spelling fiancee.)
She is strong and kind and contentious. She struggles with mental illness like I do, but she has had so much support. She can keep up with me. In some aspects of life I surpass her. In other's she surpasses me. I know I help her too. I know we belong together.
She helps me. She teaches me routines. She teaches me that mental illness isn't a death sentence. She is afraid sometimes. But together we are strong. I never thought I'd find a life partner like her. I
She loves me. And she tells me, "yes, we can buy a little bit of land and raise kids." She tells me, "You should be a writer. You will be happy doing that."
And then I forgot about that fear. I forgot until today. And today it all came back to me. All of that fear. All of that black and white. All of that fear. Even though she was with me.
And yet sometimes in class I know nothing. I forget even the most basic words. I freeze.
In those moments my Best Friend gives me a little stuffed animal she carries with her. She is prone to these moments too. She understands. And so I take a breath. I have a spot in my mind that I focus on when I meditate. Specifically when I want to practice something akin to zen meditation, where you have no thoughts at all. I focus on that spot, just for a moment. The panic disappears. I still might not know the word, but I can keep going in the class. Not knowing one thing is ok. I have a habit for dealing with anxiety when it comes up in class. But that doesn't mean the anxiety is gone.
At the Provincial ID office I was reminded that I have an anxiety disorder.
I tried to get my provincial ID and services today. It didn't go as planned. My dear wife was worried. I had an anxiety attack. Really it would be best described as a temper tantrum.I have put off getting this new id for years. I've been scared something will go wrong. But my learners license is expired. Sometimes that means I can't use it as ID at all. Today was that day. My learners license was over three years expired so they couldn't use it to set me up with a new services card. And I didn't bring extra ID. I didn't bring a birth certificate. I didn't bring a passport. The kind woman at the desk asked me where I was from. She told me she couldn't use my current ID.
I had failed. I had failed again. I had failed as usual.
I used to be afraid all the time.
That I would end up homeless. That I would lose all my treasured books and beloved objects. That I would die sick on the street.
I haven't had that fear since last summer. Last summer I inherited money from my grandmother. I put it into a savings account where it can collect interest. It is there if something goes wrong. Last Spring I got engaged to a wonderful woman. I never thought I would get engaged. We will have the ceremony next summer. But by common law we are wives. (I call her my wife here because I have trouble spelling fiancee.)
She is strong and kind and contentious. She struggles with mental illness like I do, but she has had so much support. She can keep up with me. In some aspects of life I surpass her. In other's she surpasses me. I know I help her too. I know we belong together.
She helps me. She teaches me routines. She teaches me that mental illness isn't a death sentence. She is afraid sometimes. But together we are strong. I never thought I'd find a life partner like her. I
She loves me. And she tells me, "yes, we can buy a little bit of land and raise kids." She tells me, "You should be a writer. You will be happy doing that."
And then I forgot about that fear. I forgot until today. And today it all came back to me. All of that fear. All of that black and white. All of that fear. Even though she was with me.
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